Praying is something that should come relatively easy out of my mouth. After all, a prayer is a conversation with my Heavenly Father.
Over these past weeks, it has been a challenge to pray. If I'm asked to pray, {whether it be at church, at the kitchen table, or the quiet darkness of my room} I instantly tense up and have to think about what I'm praying for.
I especially cannot pray about or for my Dad and his cancer.
{Seeing this written down, makes me feel so shameful and so unbelievably selfish.}
Of all the things I should be laying down before my King, the health of my Daddy should certainly be one.
But it hurts to pray those words.
Those words "Dad and his cancer" taste awful on my tongue.
And as I continue to battle this "praying predicament", I am beginning to realize that maybe this is the point.
This is the point because God felt the deepest of pains, by sacrificing His precious Son, for me.
This is the point because our King hung completely broken on the Cross, so that we would never experience brokenness from our God.
This is the point because God never told us this life would be easy, but that His Almigthy hand and love would never let go of my heart.
It's okay to not know what to say, because God hears our every plea and prayer.
Scripture says it so perfectly...
Romans 8:26
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
I've given my life to Jesus, so He knows the longing of my heart. He feels the pain I feel. He knows what my soul needs.
AND He knows what my Dad needs.
He Knows what the doctors need to do to beat this stupid cancer.
He knows what strength my family needs to continue to navigate this dark and winding road of fighting cancer.
There is a song by Amy Grant, entitled "Better Than a Hallelujah". This song explains that God understands and loves every pain we feel and every tear we cry. And that all these moments of brokenness are better than any joyous hallelujah.
One line that is on my heart, and connects so beautifully with these words is...
"The silence when the words won't come, are better than a Hallelujah sometimes."
When my prayers end up in buckets of ugly tears, it's okay.
When I REALLY want to say these words out loud, but I choke, it's okay.
He knows my heart and all that burdens it. God knows that I want His beautiful presence to cover me every day.
He knows, because He is God.
And I am His.
