It's been a while. It seems as though the only thing I've been writing lately are my lesson plans for my 5th Grade classroom. Yes! You read that correctly. I'm a real teacher, with my own classroom, and real 5th grade students. His love. It's unconditional. God plucked me right out of my final internship classroom, and plunked me into a world that was foreign, and scary, and unlike any classroom I had ever imagined. A classroom that was so far from what I had imagined, that I wanted to run into the Teaching Academy of UCF and find those professors and scream "YOU LIED TO ME".
I was replacing a teacher. A teacher who had clearly left a great impact in those little hearts and minds. And these kids were out to get me. I was the bad guy. I was met hard with disrespect, defiance, and rebellion. I was the new girl in a world that was I was 'supposed' to be the leader of. His love. It's redemptive. Those first few weeks were t o u g h. I would get into my Jeep, drive fast and cry hard. I would have one-sided arguments with God, asking Him why I was the one to do this job. Why was I the one put in this place.
God knows this little heart of mine so very well. He knows that it can handle more than my mind could ever convince it otherwise. God reminds me of his immense ocean of grace. God reminds me of the mercy He so freely gives. God also reminds me of His great suffering. He watched in complete agony, His only precious Son dying on the cross for cowards and sinners like me. He wanted a relationship with me so much, that He let His own Son bleed in my name. So He will now push me, and challenge me, and bend me until I break, all in the name of love. His love. It's all-consuming.
I love big. I love deep. I love people with my whole heart. It's just who I am. I don't know how else to be. While I found myself going all "Sandra Bullock from the Blind Side" on my students when I looked them in the eyes saying "Don't you dare lie to me", I was doing it out of love. The love I have for the 38 souls that fill the desks in my classroom each day.
While the first couple weeks were spent with me angrily lifting weights in the gym at night, I would be praying for redemption. Praying for God to use me in the way He needs me to be used. Right when you feel as though you are going to drop off the edge of that "I give up" cliff, God takes your hand into His. He pulls you into His loving arms. That all-consuming love that won't dare let go of its grip.
God knew my heart. He knew he had me where He needed me. He knew my life would forever be changed by the 38 lives I teach Math and Science to each day. He knew that while things seem big and tough, that His love can conquer all. I just had to believe it. I just had to trust in His plan. The older I've become, the more I realize that when I let God have control over the things that are the most difficult and most important in my life, that I am met with grace and peace that is never ending.
This is my prayer. As I finish out the 6 weeks I have left before summer, I pray that these precious souls come to know Jesus through my actions and love for them. While the public school setting doesn't leave room for 'faith proclamation', I am a firm believer in the saying Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words. I love those 38 souls more than they'll ever know, and I know God loves them seven times seventy. While most days they probably think I'm the Wicked Witch of the West for giving them science homework or requiring them to show their work and explain their reasoning while answering math problems, I pray that remember their young, blue-eyed, pearl wearin', always smiling teacher who loved them, believed in them, and valued their worth more than all the gold in the world.
All the glory to Jesus, the greatest teacher to ever walk the earth, and our God who loves us unconditionally and all-consuming, with redeeming grace.
xoxo, Miss Wilson
